|
|
【zt】墨菲定律
我最喜欢的东东
来，给个原版的
Muphy’s law
Household murphology
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
1.Souffles rise and cream wipes only for the family and for guests you didn’t really want to invite anyway.
2. The rotten egg will be the one tou break into the cake batter.
3.Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be needed immediately thereafter for something else; any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will be needed thereafter for dry ingredients.
4.Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion to time spent preparing it.
5.Whatever it is, someboby will have had it for lunch.
The more food you prepare, the less your guests eat.
1. Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any function adequately.
The more expensive the gadget, the less often you will use it.
2. The simpler the instructions(e.g., “press here” ), the more difficult it will be to open the package.
3. In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible.
You will discover that you can’t read it only after you have mixed all the other ingredients.
4. Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse.
5. You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare.
If you make “duck a l’orange,” you will be complimented on the baked potato.
6. The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
7. The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal, the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire meal discussing other meals they have had.
1.If you are wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn’t.
2.If you are wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did.
3.If you are wondering if you need to stop and pick up bread and eggs on the way home, you do.
4.If you are wondering if you have enough money to take the family out to eat tonight, you don’t.
Anything is edible if it is chopped fiuely enough.
A knife too dull to cut anything else can always cut your finger.
Housework is what nobody notices unless it’s not done.
The spot you are scrubbing is allways on the other side.
If the spot is on the inside, you won’t be able to reach it.
Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.
Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the cost of a new washer by .75.
There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.
If it’s clean, it isn’t laundry.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
1. Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
2. Any shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary(damn, penis, etc.).
One child is not emough, but two children are far too many.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
1. The porobability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.
2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss to go in or out is directly proportional to the number and importance of tour dinner guests.
No matter which side of the door the dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
When you cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
When in doubt, wash.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won’t be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.
The tool you need is just out of reach.
The first replacement part you buy will the wrong size.
A lost tool will be found immwdiately upon purchasing a new one.
If you wait all day for the repairman, you will wait all day. If you go out for five minutes, he will arrive and leave while you are gone.
Any paint, no matter what the quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface if applied accidentally.
1. Other people’s tools work only in other people’s gardens.
2. Fancy gizmos don’t work.
3. If nobody uses it, there is a reason.
4. You get the most of what you need the least.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
If you watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
1. If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.
2. The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
3. The show you’ve been looking forward to all week will be preempted.
1.The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, funbling for your keys.
2.You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
The best parts of anything are always impossible to separate from the inedible parts.
The quality of the house brand varies inversely with the size of the supermaket chain.
The longer the shopping list, the more likely it will be left at home.
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market will be the bottom of the grocery bag.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The fussiest person will be the one to get the chipped coffee cup, the glass with lipstick or the hair in the food.
Chipped dishes never break.
Whenever you turn on the radio, you hear the last few notes of your favorite song.
Your pocket radio won’t pick up the station you want to hear most.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Acadimiology
Those who can, do.
Those who can’t, teach.
Those who can’t teach, administrate.
Those who want to learn will learn.
Those who do not want to learn will lead enterprises.
Those incapable of either learning or leading will regulate scholarship and enterprise to death.
Never let your major professor know that you exist.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
All papers after the top are upside down or backwards, until you right the pile. Then the process repeats.
There are no answers, only cross-references.
1. If the course you wanted most has room for “n” students, you will be the “n+1” to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
1.When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
2.The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.
3.Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn’t read.
4.The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planaria.
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor’s course.
5.If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given an take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
6.At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester-and never attending.
Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
You never catch on until after the test.
The one course you must tske to graduate will not ne offered during your last senester.
The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
If it is available, the most importabt page will be torn out.
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
The source for an unattributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of your work.
The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
The closest library doesn’t have the material you need.
No matter which book you need, it’s on the bottom shelf.
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to keep.
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.
All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.
When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he or she does not understand, the work will be understood only by readers who know more about that subject than the writer does.
Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the first objective of communication-informing the uninformed.
1.In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives.
2.In dealing with other people’s problems, they are the most extreme liberals.
When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.
Reserchmanship
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
1.The bigger the theory, the better.
2.The experiment mey be considered a success if no more than 50 percent of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
If enough data are collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn’t apply to the problem.
Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to their own pet theory.
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
1. No one whom you ask for help will see it.
2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
1. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
2. Always keep a record of data-it indicates you’ve been working.
3. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
5. Experiments should be reproducible C they should all fail in the same way.
6. Do not believe in miracles C rely on them.
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.
Never replicate a successful experoment.
No experiment is reproducible.
No experiment is ever a complete failure C it can always serve as a negative example.
The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.
Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research.
The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he or she is administering.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something that either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool’s work.
The most interesting results happen only once.
Repetition does not establish validity.
The more trivial tour research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
1. If it is green or it wriggles, it is biology.
2. If it stinks, it is chemistry.
3. If it does not work, it is physics.
4. If it is incomprehensible, it is mathematics.
5. If it does not make sense, it is either economics or psychology.
You can’t get here from there.
The best theory is not ipso facto a good theory.
Asking scientists to revise their theory is like asking cops to revise the law.
To say a human being is nothing but molecules is like saying a Shakespearean play is nothing but words.
Inasmuch as the mathematical theorems are related to reality, they are not sure; inasmuch as they are sure, they are not related to reality.
The difference between the Laws of nature and Murphy’s Law is that with the Laws of Nature you can count on things screwing up the same way every time.
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
So will Darwinists.
The advance of science can be measured by the rate at which exceptions to previously held laws accumulate.
1. Exceptions always outnumber rules.
2. There are always exceptions to established exceptions.
3. By the time one masters the exceptions, no one recalls the rules to which they apply.
The shorter the life of the particle, the more it costs to produce.
The basic building blocks of matter do not occur in nature.
Nobody wants to read anyone else’s formulas.
1.Don’t believe the thirty-third-order consequences of a first-order model.
“Cum grano salis.”
2.Don’t extrapolate beyond the region of fit.
“Don’t go off the deep end.”
3.Don’t apply any model until you understand the siplifying assumptions on which it is based, and can test their applicability.
“Use only as directed.”
4.Don’t believe that the modle is the reality.
“Don’t eat the manu.”
5.Don’t distort reality to fit the model.
“The ‘Procrustes Method.’”
6.Don’t limit yourself to a single model: more than one may be useful for understanding different aspects of the same phenomenon.
“Legalize polygamy.”
7.Don’t retain a discredited model.
“Don’t beat a dead horse.”
8.Don’t fall in love with you model.
“Pygmalion.”
9.Don’t apply the terminology of Subject A to the problems of Subject B if it is to the enrichment of neither.
“New names for old.”
10.Don’t expect that by having named a demon you have destroyed him.
“Rumpelstiltskin.”
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That’s one of the things wrong with history.
History doesn’t repeat itself-historians merely repeat each other.
1. Deny the last established truth on the list.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the list.
If you do not understand a particular world in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
If the piece makes no sense without the word, it will make no sense with the word.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.
Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control.
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
You are never given enough time and money.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
It is better to solve a problem with a crude approximation and know the truth, plus or minus 10 percent, than to demand an exact solution and not know the truth at all.
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress C in direct proportion to the importance of the original contribution.
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will become central to his theory.
His theory, in turn, will become central to all scientific thought.
There is no such thing as a straight line.
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end from which you begin checking.
Only errors exist.
One man’s error is another man’s data.
Applied Murphology
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.
The location of all objects can’t be known simultaneously.
If a lost thing is found, something else will disappear.
The quickest way to find sonething is to start looking for something else.
You can always find what you are not looking for.
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You always find something in the first place you look, but you never find it the first time you look there.
The phone call you are been waiting for comes the minute you are out the door.
1. If you have a pen, there is no paper;
2. If you have paper, there is no pen;
3. If you have both, there is no message.
If you have the time, you won’t have the money;
If you have the money, you won’t have the time.
Murphology
Two things are only the beginning.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
Where there is a will, there is a won’t.
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
But you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.
An optimst believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is ture.
Quantity = 1/Quality; or quantity is inversely proportional to quality.
Problematics
No real problem has a solution.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Hierarchiology
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain, everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
1. No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
2. What you don’t do is always more important than you do do.
Them that has, get.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Committology
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Never argue with a fool C people might not know the difference.
If you want to get along, go along.
1. When in doubt, mumble.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in charge, ponder.
Statesmanship and Econo Murphology
Everbody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Say no, then negotiate.
Government corruption is always reported in the past tense.
Expertsmanship
Ambiguity is invariant.
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice.
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Always leave room to add an explaination if it doesn’t work out.
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
Every revolutionary area C in Science, Politics, Art or whatever C evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
1. It is impossible C don’t waste my time.
2. It is possible, but it is not worth dotng.
3. I said it was a good idea all along.
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
Advanced Expertsmanship
An expert is anyone from out of town.
1. Fact is solidified opinion.
2. Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
3. Truth is elastic.
Progress don’t consist in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple.
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazyman C he will find an easier way to do it.
Accountsmanship
Time is money.
There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.
Effort #61620; time = constant
1. Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small.
2. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.
Corollary: If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don’t need it.
Designsmanship
Never draw what you can copy.
Never copy what you can trace.
Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Cut it large abd kick it into place.
If you underatand it, it is obsolete.
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
Variables won’t, constants aren’t.
Computer Murphology
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
There’s always one more bug.
Work and Office Murphology
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Be wear of a day in which you don’t have something to bitch about.
Expenditures rise to meet income.
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.
If you file it, you will know where it is but never need it.
If you don’t file it, you will need it but never know where it is.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
Never walk down a hallway in an office building without a piece of paper in your hand.
The dead line is one week after the original dead line.
Never conduct negotiations before 10:00 A.M. or after 4:00 P.M.. Before ten you appear too anxious, and after four they think you are desperate.
1. That is the way we’ve always done it.
2. I didn’t know you are in a hurry for it.
3. No one told me to go ahead.
4. I am waiting for an OK.
5. How did I know this was different?
6. That is his job, not mine.
7. Wait till the boss comes back and ask her.
8. We don’t make many mistakes.
9. I didn’t think it was very important.
10. I am so busy, I just can’t get around to it.
11. I thought I told you.
12. I wasn’t hired to do that.
Do someone a favor and it becomes you job.
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
Situational Murphology
The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.
The other line moves faster.
If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.
Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry.
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
1. If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
2. When you are waiting in a lone line, the people behind you are shunted to a new short line.
3. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
4. If you are in a short line, the people in front let in their friends and relatives and make it a long line.
5. A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
6. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.
1. If you are early, it will be cancelled.
2. If you knock youself out to be on time, you will have to wait.
3. If you are late, you will be too late.
Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.
The overwhelming prerequisite for the greatness of an artist is that artist’s death.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.
A doctor can bury his or her mistakes, but an architect can only advise the client to plant vines.
Sociomurphology (humanship)
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones are taken.
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
3. Other people’s romantic geatures seem novel and exciting. Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
Everyone wants to be noticed, but no one wants to be stared at.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you C the next time he is in need.
When opportunity knockes, you have got head phone’s on.
Superiority is recessive.
Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They are too busy worring over what you are thinking about them.
He who laughs last C probably didn’t get the joke.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution in one direction C for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment C is accompanied by an increase in another, e.g., crime or air pollution.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet remains a constant; the population, however, continues to grow.
Nice guys don’t finish nice.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Madical Murphology
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: that which won’t stay on and that which won’t come off.
Sportsmanship-Manship
Never leave hold of what you’ve got until you’ve get hold of something else.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
The mountain looks closer than it is.
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.
Roadsmanship
No matter where you go, there you are!
It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
When packing for a vocation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
If everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.
Time moves slower in a fast C moving vehicle.
Consumerology and Salesmanship
If it’s good, they discontinue it.
You never want the one you can afford.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
No matter how long and how hard you shop for an item, after you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
If it says “one size fits all”, it doesn’tfit anyone.
A sixty C day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the sixty C first day.
Cosmomurphology
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
The wise are pleased when they discover truth, fools when they discover falsehood.
What you resist, you become.
Extremes meet.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
You can’t cross a river in two strides.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.
Metalaws
There are some things that are impossible to know C but it is impossible to know these things.
Disorder expands proportionately to the tolerance for it.
It’s better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.
Or nothing looks as good from far away as it does close up.
The sooner and in more setail you announce the bad news, the better. |
|
|手机版|希望之光工作论坛
( 京ICP备18037495号 )
发表于 2003-4-16 10:01
[信息未更新]